Strange neighbor

The weirdest thing happened to me yesterday. I was sitting outside my apartment drinking a Coke and admiring my rosemary plant outside and I start hearing someone saying excuse me sir.

I never go by “sir” so I assumed it was someone’s radio or something, but I was wrong.

I looked up to see this lady (who is a chain-smoking neighbor of mine) come up, looking angry at me saying “excuse me sir” to me! I felt like ignoring her, but I wanted to be neighborly so I said “How can I help you?” She went on asking me if I had a razor blade, A razor blade?! If you looked at my face you would have noticed that a razor blade hasn’t touched my face in over a year… Why would she need one? Well, I was unlucky enough to find out.

Apparently the lady locked herself out of her house and needed one to open up the window screen. I informed her that I didn’t have one so she then asked me if I had any scissors or a steak knife or something. She then told me that she got in an accident and she wish she just died so she didn’t have to deal with life. She sounded extremely unhappy and refused any help I offered, other than a knife.

Well I went inside to find a knife and the only one that I could part with was a really sharp/cheap cutting knife I got in a set at Ikea for under $5. After I handed it to her she said “I wish I had the guts to cut my wrists with this, nothing good ever happens to me.” I was thinking “Oh great, my neighbor is going to off herself with a knife with my prints on it!”

Well she went upstairs and I promptly sat down to resume sipping my coke. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my day, even if she did decide to slice her arteries with my kitchen knife. Well, she went to the screen and cut it. It is apparently one of those plastic screens so it was easy to open. She then was about to jump in the window and I called out “Do you need any help?” I was hoping that I would have a reason to go up there and hide the knife. She said “No, I don’t want YOU to get on MY bed!” So that was that, I sat down and waited to see the end of the show.

After she climbed in the room she came down and said “I hate it here, I don’t know why I ever moved here. My life is so shitty.” I didn’t feel like offering her advice that she could always move, she was holding my kitchen knife. She came over to me, and was about to hand it to me, but before that she told me that she didn’t want me to tell the landlord what happened. Of course I said no, she was still holding my knife! So anyway, that is my small story. Enjoy and be thankful you don’t have “Beatrice the bitch” as a neighbor. (That is how she introduced herself. I assume that she didn’t want me to know her name!)

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